Look at me, right? And look at The Queen.
I was never not a fan till it occurred to me how much we have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent, but she might as well be. Plus,
the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns -
her literally, sometimes -
and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally,
not for never lifting a finger, no!
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine,
you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with,
snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking,
"What's your secret, Frank?" I got shot
of my kids yonks back,
whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine! I've had to get out of bed on occasion to
make ends meet, whereas she... she's done
the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, a drink for the lady.
Oh sure, there's perks.
But look at her lot.
Brian May prancing about on her roof!
Now, look at my lot. We know how to throw a proper fucking paaaarty!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'When it comes to matters of the heart, I'll tell you who got
'it right. Celine Dion.
'She was everything she was because someone loved her.
'Just like me.
'I am everything I am because of the love of my husband.
'True, mine and Celine's men couldn't be more different.
'My man never gave me wings so I could fly,
'never saw the best there was of me.
'And as for being me eyes when I couldn't see, that was only
'because the bastard put his fist into one of 'em in the first place.
'But he no longer gets to make me anything. I've left him.
'Stopping at Frank's for now.
'Because I'll tell you who really got it right...'
Bye!
'..Nina Simone.
'There's a new day and a new life waiting for me.
'And it feels really fucking good.'
If you make me late...
Frank, can this horror walk to school with you?
Anything to help, my little Turkish Delight.
I can walk myself.
Not a chance. Spelling test.
Been trying to get out of it for days. Got to go.
See you back at home.
If I come back.
Promises, promises.
I can spell.
C'mon.
'You have reached your destination.'
Shut up, lady!
'You have reached your destination.'
'It's just a job interview. Stay calm, Esther. Stay calm.'
You could always try creating a diversion.
Sorry. It's nerves.
Lovely.
Like what?
Well, our Carl used to hold his breath until he fainted.
Did it work?
Well, he's thick as fuck, so yeah, I'd say so.
Get in to class. The bell's about to go.
Some clever dick's drawn a picture of me in the toilets.
You can't deny kids freedom of expression.
The staff toilets. I want it removed.
New policy. Every teacher has to sign in.
Success?
Too shaky. The one in the toilets was neater.
May I help you?
I'm looking for the janitor.
Frank?
Frank, aye. That's him.
May I ask what it's regarding?
Afraid that's a personal matter.
I'm intrigued.
An urgent personal matter.
What about her?
Been a bit quiet
since she got fingered by Peter Simcocks at the Christmas Party.
Frank Gallagher to reception.
'That's Frank Gallagher to reception.'
Please, Miss, can I go to the toilet?
Be quick.
Is he on his way, love?
I'm sure he won't be long if he knows it's urgent.
Make your way to the nearest exit.
Oi! Setting off the alarm's immediate suspension.
I'm calling your mother.
I need to talk to Frank!
And I need you to step outside.
Walk, not run!
Come on!
Sir, I need you to move!
Everyone back into class!
We still need to follow protocol.
Everybody back in! In!
Out!
In!
Out!
Everybody back in!
Out!
Back in! Back in!
..Protocol!
It's a gun!
He's got a gun!
There's a man with a gun!
Let me out!
That one. That window there.
Here you are, Frank.
Cheers. I mean, I felt terrible, you know,
but there's only so many I could get to, you know.
They didn't want to jump but I told them,
"There's a madman with a gun about to blow your fucking brains out!"
I mean, rather a broken ankle, eh?
Our hero! Mwah!
Look at that. That's perfect, that is.
Oh, the romance!
Romance? Fuck romance! Look where it got me! That's the future.
Where's the negotiator?
10 minutes away. Had to drag him out of an antenatal.
On call does not mean sitting in a room full of men feeling
sympathetic about other women's fannies.
Everyone accounted for?
Thalia Blanco went to the toilet just before the alarm went off.
I haven't seen her since.
I thought she was lying!
This mad bitch locked my daughter in a cupboard with a fucking gunman!
I didn't know there was a gunman!
She set the fire alarms off!
And that makes it OK?
Ladies, ladies! OK? Lock the place down.
Where's Mimi?
Oh, she's in there with the pigs, helping them out.
Incident van? Ah, sick!
Shouldn't you be checking on Stella?
Nah, she'll be fine. She'll be on her way home by now.
Look at them all gawping. It's fucking awful!
Want a drink? Look, they're going in!
Go, go!
OK, lads. Easy does it.
Hurry!
What are they waiting for?
They're nearly there.
The good thing is we know Thalia's exact location.
Ah, that's lucky.
Lucky?
Well, would you rather her be running round willy nilly in there?
I will kill you with my bare hands!
Get off, you fucking nobhead!
'Yeah. Yeah, we've got the girl.'
Ah! Oh!
Yes!
Did you see that?
I'm going to overlook it on this occasion. Well done, lads.
Fancy a bit of Cajun music tonight, in here?
Fiver each?
Oh, yeah. We'll take two.
I thought we could have a hero's welcome back at the ranch?
You know the rules, Frank. Thursday night's girls' night.
Friends before fannies!
Ohh!
'The police have confirmed there has been no sighting of a gunman.
'It now looks as though it was a hoax.'
What? I saw him with me own eyes!
Tosser!
So neither you, or any other member of staff,
actually saw a man with a gun?
Could have got the King's Medal for this.
I'm making tea, Daddy.
You must be Frank.
Tea?
Yes, please.
Ahh!
De-licious!
Wonder if your dad doesn't have something stronger, though.
Now, now. That is not very hospitable.
Listen, mate...
I am not your mate, pal.
Easy, easy!
I don't even know who you are, mate!
I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.
No misunderstanding.
We need to have a little chat.
Yeah?
You'll enjoy that, won't you? I hear you're very chatty.
Quite the wee pundit.
No wiser?
Well, let's see if we can't jog your memory.
I'll just consult my big book of Frank's Opinions.
"You're too good for him."
"You should move in with me, Derrilee."
Biddy?
My name's Baxter and you've been pumping my missus, Frank!
The whoring's one thing.
We've got to make a living and dogs like you have to get their hole.
But her moving out of my house and in with you,
I'm not standing for it!
Fuck, it was you at the school!
Yeah, that went a bit tits.
I'd never hurt a kiddie, though.
I'm going to go and play with Lillian and the alligator.
No, you don't want to do that, darling.
Stay here with your old dad.
You're a class act, Frank.
Sit down.
That was worst shoot-out ever.
Bloody vultures.
What? You were watching as well!
Err, I'm a trained health care professional.
We were here to help.
Bullshit!
No gunman, I believe.
No negotiation required.
So you can toddle back to your panting exercises and let me
get on with standing down my unit.
Au contraire, Veronica!
The Guv'nor thought you might need a little help with the paperwork.
Get that fucking jingle jangle switched off!
'You have reached your destination.'
There's a dead kid. No, wait, it's a little postman.
He's definitely dead, though.
Start with a one-mile radius of the school.
The prick is most likely on foot. Come on!
And get me a chopper!
It was a professional arrangement. Only ever on a Friday.
Only ever with Sherrilee.
I mean, she's just staying here because she said...
She said what, exactly?
She's just a lodger. Nothing more.
I need the toilet.
I told her to go back to you.
I said, "Derr, it's nothing to do with me but Biddy...
"Baxter, he sounds like he's the one."
What did she say?
That you're a prick.
Why don't you go and have a piss, eh?
She tell you I hit her?
Yeah.
No.
Look, I don't have to tell you what Derrilee's like.
You're saying my wife deserves a thumping, does she?
No. I am not here to judge.
You two need to talk. She's in the Jockey.
With Sherrilee?
Yeah, yeah. She's as bad. She'll have been yack-yacking in her ear.
You get Derr to come here, on her own.
What you going to do?
I thought you weren't here to judge.
Your turn.
Him.
I reckon.... average length, generous girth.
Thick thatch, though. Makes it look stubbier than it is.
Agreed.
And the little brother?
Only by order of birth.
Ooh!
Not tonight, Josephine.
'You'll just have to wait till tomorrow for the full nine yards.'
Or seven inches, respectable width and big clanging balls.
Stella's poorly.
Poorly?
'Yeah, she's...'
she's running a temperature. You know, she's asking for you.
'Dad's hopeless in these situations.'
Kids need the... lodger.
'We'll come over.'
No, no, no. Just you. I don't want
'Sherrilee catching anything.'
'All right.'
Cheers.
Yeah!
Jump! Jump!
You going to drink this?
Maybes aye, maybes not.
I stopped off at Chesco to pick these up for Stella.
Oooh!
Spoonful of each, she'll be right as rain.
All right, darlin'?
No big winch for your old man?
Put the lassie down, Derr.
Go and play upstairs, love.
I was just explaining to Baxter about you and me, you know.
Nothing going on there. You know, professional arrangement.
So I should leave you two...
You're all right, Frank.
Derr's just going to tell us how she's been a silly bitch
then get her stuff and come home with me.
Yeah, I think that probably sounds best, Derr, don't you?
You know, considering.
You got a lot of years together. Worth fighting for.
A man just needs to know that his missus loves him.
Is that what you want to hear?
Aye.
Fuck you.
You didn't mean that, Derrilee.
Bent like a banana and facing the wrong way.
Neither use nor ornament.
Derrilee MacIvor?
She's gone home.
We've just come from there. What's your relationship with Mrs MacIvor?
Best friend. Born in the same hospital, not two minutes apart.
Practically sisters.
We need to ask you some questions.
What were you going to do? Stay here with him?
You want her, do you?
Well?
No.
Not even this streak of piss wants you.
He's never done this before.
School shootings tend not to be a repeat offence.
That's good, then.
Do you have any idea why he might have an issue with children,
anything in the marriage, maybe?
His own childhood?
He's fine with the kiddies.
I mean, they get on his nerves,
but it's a professional hazard, innit, in that van?
They're always giving him euros and sheckles.
He's come home with toy money twice.
Is this helping?
You're doing great. It's important we get a profile, understand him.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Have you any clue where he might be?
Have you tried his house?
There's no-one home.
Look, this guy popped a dwarf
and then went into a school with a loaded gun.
We need to find him.
Ah! You went to his place? That's why you didn't find Derr.
She's moved out. She's at Frank's.
Right! Moving out!
Thing is, Derr, if you just go home with Biddy now,
while no-one knows he's here and...
Police! Open the door!
He's got a gun and there's a child in here!
He's got a gun! Clear the area!
Come on! Quick!
Can't believe you're letting the police in here.
Our neighbours are in danger. Get Cilla the Jockey straight away.
Err... Shall I get the kettle on?
That won't be necessary.
Friend of the family. Might be helpful.
Look after this one.
Attempting to establish contact.
Look, you've not actually done anything.
You know, you came over, we had a chat, we had a drink.
Had a gun.
Yeah, but he's not used it.
You talk to them.
Hello?
'Baxter?'
No, it's Frank.
Is Baxter there?
Yeah, he's here.
'And he has a firearm?'
Err... that's right.
Tell them I haven't done anything.
But he hasn't done anything with the firearm.
'Top bloke, really.'
Can you confirm who else is with you?
'Baxter,'
obviously. Derrilee, that's his wife, and Stella,
me daughter.
Is Baxter able to hear me?
No.
'I'm going to be very open with you, Frank.'
Baxter is a very dangerous man. He killed a postman.
'We found the body underneath the ice-cream van.'
Did I fuck!
Christ! Fucking...
Jesus Christ! Oh, fuck!
'You have reached your destination.'
Shite! Shite, shite, shite, shite!
Boosh! This shit just got real, bro. He's shot Little Albert.
Mum?
What, the postman?
Yeah.
See, it's OK. He doesn't want to shoot children.
Nah, nah, incorrecto! He shot Little Albert.
He probably thought he was shooting a little kid.
Everyone, he shot Little Albert!
Yo! He shot Little Albert, everyone!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
You should have just gone.
Well, they think I'm a murderer...
..so nobody's going anywhere now.
We were happy then, Derr, weren't we?
Roxy Music at the Apollo, September 30th, 1982.
First time I saw her and I knew. It was destiny.
She hitched all the way to Glasgow, daft on Bryan Ferry.
Got something right, though, big Bryan.
Love is the drug.
Yours is like smack.
Course, she wanted to be near to Mother.
So I left my own mammy behind, moved south,
did what she wanted.
Well, you did your best.
I did. Slainte.
Maybe we could go, Frank.
Eh?
Scotland. Take Stella on a holiday.
I could pop in on your mammy, Biddy.
Send her your love from prison.
I thought you said there was nothing between you two.
There isn't!
Scuse me, scuse me! Coming through!
Make way, yeah? Siege delivery.
Yes, Gazza!
Hey, there's some guy over there renting seats out.
Go grab one and sit down.
Got one of the bevvies out first.
You all right, kid?
Yeah, we're just gutted he can't be in there, popping this guy.
The little one will be OK. I'm saying a prayer.
Excuse me!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Get out the way!
I'm the mother!
I've got the mother here.
It's my baby in that house!
OK, come through.
Is that Stella's mum?
Don't know. Never met her. Don't think Stella has, either.
I saw it on the news
and I just had to get here, to my baby.
You did the right thing.
Got anything stronger?
It can sometimes help if a relative, a mother in particular,
makes a direct plea to the perpetrator.
On the TV?
On the phone, but sometimes on the TV.
I'd do anything for little Stella.
Have you got a recent photograph?
It helps to visualise a good outcome.
Umm...
I've got one. It's on my phone, I think.
Is this the slag that's got my daughter held at gunpoint?
No, that's my business partner.
I'm listening.
How come you ended up on your own, then?
Not been as lucky as you.
No-one special?
Broken heart. Look, shouldn't we try and get out of here?
I mean, we're surrounded. You might as well surrender.
Who was it broke your heart?
There's only ever been one woman for me. Same as you.
Not same woman, obviously.
Who was she, then?
You dirty bitch!
Frank's told me all about you, you tramp!
Ladies, if we could just focus on what is imp...
Tramp?
'You're calling me a tramp?'
Monica? Monica.... Yeah, Monica. My wife.
You said she was a miserable, old cow and he hoped she was dead.
Well, that's the pain talking.
We've always been a bit like Burton and Taylor, me and Mon, you know.
In my home, around my child?
Take a look at yourself before you get up in my grill!
That's her?
Yeah.
You see? Destiny.
What's he said? You tell me what he said!
Shh!
Baxter?
No, it's Frank again.
'Is everything OK over there?'
Yeah, good.
'Err... Baxter was wondering if we could have a chat about some
'of them, erm...'
what do you call them?
Demands.
We are prepared to negotiate. Umm... I would really like to
'chat to Baxter, though.'
'No, he's not up for that.'
OK. What are his demands?
He's a good bloke, you know, as I was saying,
and he's keen that...
Go on.
Well, he's keen that I see my wife.
'I mean, I totally understand if that's not possible.
'Delicate...'
business this, you know. Is she there?
I'm here! I'm right here, baby!
It will have to be a hostage swap. Make that
'clear to Baxter.'
We'll send the wee one.
That's fine, yeah. We'll swap Stella for Monica.
'Can you send some beers over and all, if it's not too much trouble? Cheers.'
You OK with this? You don't have to, you know.
He is armed.
I'll do anything for my baby.
If Katie Price here is your best bet, those poor fuckers have had it.
I've a very bad feeling about this.
'I'll do anything for my baby!'
This is how we negotiate. Give and take.
She's fully briefed.
'It's all for my baby!'
Is that my mum?
Yeah.
Come to Mummy, baby.
Ohh!
She's got Stella!
Ohh!
Told you so!
What's she doing?
Mothering, I think.
My goodness! You're all right!
Ohh!
Tell her hurry up!
Come on!
Do the shot, Ma'am.
Stella, not you!
Take it.
No, no!
Jesus Christ!
They've missed!
But Stella's gone back inside!
Frank!
Shh! Shh!
What the fuck was that?
Frank...
You see that? They're trying to kill me. Jesus Christ!
Monica....
Well done, Ronnie. You've really surpassed yourself this time.
Clear the streets. I want those fucking tramps out of there.
Place looks good.
Fuck's sake!
You look... good.
I hope you appreciate this.
Thanks.
I brought you these.
Come away in. Away from the windows!
Away from the windows!
Frank! Please! Ladies first, eh?
Right, come on, come on!
Just keep away from the fucking window. Go on, go on!
Eh, eh, eh! Play your cards right,
something good can come out of all this.
We can do the paperwork later.
I want it noted, immediately, that I raised concerns about
Monica Gallagher's suitability for a hostage swap and was overruled.
Hardly overruled.
The contretemps was entirely the result of your shock...
And awe approach.
What happens now?
We negotiate again. Though since DCI Veronica B Johnson
wholeheartedly destroyed our last attempt, I'm not sure
how successful we're going to be.
I can't take it!
Can you get her out of here, please, Mrs Tutton?
Mrs Tutton, please!
OK, but we're witnesses to the fact that yous don't
know your arse from your elbow.
Let's go and get a proper drink.
Remember this one, love?
You should tackle him.
You fucking tackle him! You're bigger than me.
Got a fucking gun!
I'm sorry to say this,
but he's fallen into bad living without you, Monica.
I can see that.
Taken up with my wife here.
How could you do this to me?
Err... this from the woman who took three years
to get a loaf of bread, twice!
Sometimes things go wrong.
But if it's meant to be, you'll find a way back.
It's fate.
So what have you got to say about her, eh, Frank?
Derrilee is a prostitute, a whore. My wife, the whore!
She's not even embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed of you.
So, Baxter thought it'd be good for me and you to get together, chat.
So, what have you got to say for yourself?
I wasn't always the best husband.
Ha! I had a terrible life with him.
He never worked, he never lifted a finger to help with the kids.
He's working now, though, earning a crust, aren't you?
Yeah, it's not much though, Mon.
You know, it's practically minimum wage. Janitor in a school.
Don't do yourself down.
It's a good number, council pension, sorted for the future.
But there was the emotional cruelty, too.
A woman can't just forget that.
The neglect.
Go on, Frank. Tell her how you feel.
I've come to realise I've made mistakes but...
..you're the one.
My destiny.
Jesus, Lillian, we'll do it later.
He'll be here in a bit, though.
Who?
Richie.
He's the best Cajun musician in Manchester. He's my boyfriend!
Look, they all like a bit of Cajun.
What's animating that muppet?
She's got a boyfriend.
Lillian's lying too, then, Mimi?
We've been through this.
It turns out that there was a gunman
but there was definitely no fire, so Thalia is a liar.
Even now, you can't just admit you were wrong. Amazing!
Ugh!
Stella's in bed. She's asleep.
This is nice.
See, Derr?
That's how it should be, a man and his wife.
Loving, tight.
We'll get through this, Derr, you and me.
Just like them.
We're not like them!
No, you're right. They've got seven kids.
Seven kids to show for their love.
Maybe if you could have borne me some weans,
we would have been like that.
Barren, though, this one, Frank. My mammy was so disappointed.
I'm not barren. Very fertile, actually.
You're very fertile, too.
Derr...
It's fine. It's a night of truths.
Let's get it all out.
You knocked me up no less than seven times.
And seven times I thought about that little baby in my belly,
your little baby.
Stop. Just stop.
I went to the clinic and I said...
"Get this thing out of me!"
What you doing?
Checking she's OK.
Don't think he'd like you fiddling with her.
I'm not fiddling with her. I'm checking she's not fucking dead!
Be karma if she was, really, after all them abortions.
Be better if you weren't yapping in me ear.
I'm only trying to help, Dr Gallagher!
It's a shame he didn't fucking knock you out instead.
Frank...
Hey!
There hasn't been a squeak for ten minutes.
Patience, mon amie. He's probably weighing up his options.
Deciding which one to shoot first.
And thanks to you, he's got an even bigger selection.
You may not agree with my methods,
but storming in there has already derailed this operation.
Just because you fucked up the hostage swap.
Must have known he'd react badly.
Any father would.
Do you know what it took for me to get away?
No-one's saying you've got to go back to him.
Not permanently.
But there are ways of dealing with this kind of situation.
I will not go crawling back.
Look, love.
You may not be as pro-life as I am, but I have had seven kids
and I want to get out to see them.
Can't you just indulge his little fantasy long enough to get him shot
and us to get out alive?
Oh, Jesus!
I'm not sure I can do this.
Look, I know it's hard, but I can't see another way.
The idea of my baby so repulsive?
I lied. There were no abortions.
I wish you loved me like I love you. Cruel thing...
I do love you.
Fuck it!
She can't be much fun to be around.
Always feeling sorry for herself.
Her fucked-up psycho husband is now seven abortions nearer
blowing all our heads off. How exactly should she be acting?
All right, no need to be snappy with me!
Look, try and relax. I've been doing this Tantric meditation.
It really helps.
Sorry, I'm a bit low on joss sticks.
Let me just rub your aura.
Oh, Je... Just get off!
Just trying to keep morale up.
If I was him, I'd definitely shoot that Monica one.
I'd give him self-defence.
It's been a bad day for all of us.
That what passes as an apology round here?
Could put a word in for you at the school,
set up a meeting with the catering manager.
I don't want anything to do with your fucked-up, exploitative,
supplying God knows how many black markets school. OK?
You should be ashamed, making money out of a captive audience.
Not here, love. The captives are over the road.
When you left...
..I took the pills out of the bathroom.
I sat and I counted out one for each year we've been together.
Just want to end it.
What stopped you?
So you're working now?
Yeah, living the public sector dream.
You've done well for yourself.
Oh, God!
I'm sorry, Frank. I think it must be delayed shock. I'm sorry.
Well, I reckon we're all in for a bout of that.
I mean, supposing you're right? Supposing this is the end?
Hold me, Frank. Let me feel love again before I die.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Don't be daft. Look how popular it is.
Lillian, there's a madman on the estate. Everyone's been evacuated.
Right, folks. We're playing this for the people of the Chatsworth.
It was me. Anyone got a fucking problem?
All right.
♪ I could feel... ♪
He's singing to her.
Oh, Jesus, he's building to the end!
You never sing to me.
Have I inadvertently locked myself in an asylum?
I think it's romantic.
Jesus!
Look, I've come all this way to support you
and you haven't said one nice thing to me all night.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm a bit distracted!
Might be to do with the gunman sitting in there,
singing his final fucking serenade.
What you just did, it meant a lot to Thalia.
Flatulence, least of my worries today,
not to mention Lillian organising a fucking hoedown.
People seem to be enjoying the distraction.
Try and make contact again, then we're going in.
We don't have much time.
Give yourself up. They won't hurt you.
They're going to put me away for a long time, sweetheart.
I'll wait for you.
I won't let them take you away from me.
Me and Derr need a bit of time alone.
Say no more. We'll be on our way, then.
Upstairs.
I'm not sure this is a good idea.
Nobody asked you, pal.
This isn't right.
Well, we just have to make the best of it.
I meant Derr, downstairs, about to be raped at gunpoint.
She's a prostitute and she's married to him.
Just let him get his end away and then we can all get out of here.
Take first positions.
Move!
It's on! They're moving in!
Try not to worry about it. Hmm?
He hasn't actually shot anyone yet.
The postman. Little Albert!
Oh, yeah. Forgot about him.
I read somewhere that fear can turn some people on.
I don't know about you, but I am very, very afraid.
Well, life or death situation. It's bound to have an affect.
Ahh!
What's going on?
Ahh!
Ooh!
Ah!
Fuck!
Go, go, go!
Kill you to tidy up once in a while?
I'm suffering from post-traumatic distress disorder.
You said you'd make us a brew.
Hey, you're back!
Come to say goodbye.
They let you off, then?
Self-defence.
So you say. Frank, I need a hand.
Yeah, just give us a minute.
She's not a permanent fixture.
Stay and we can have things as they were.
Just wanted to give this to Stella.
I won't be here for your birthday but you can't open it till then.
I promise.
Where will you go?
It's best you don't know.
Going to miss you.
Goodbye, Frank.
Frank!
'The more I think about it, the more I think Gloria got it right, 1978.'
'I will survive.'
'Because this is me,
'somebody new with a lot of love still left to give.'
'We all end up with the love we deserve.'
'Just might take some of us that bit longer to find it.'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.